I am sitting here typing this out. Thinking. Will anyone notice? Will it even be perceived that at exactly 2:21 am, I was on my laptop, typing thoughts into oblivion?
Things are different now. I am alone. I am scared of what that means. There is no future prospect at the moment. It is just me. Just me carving my way in the universe. I used the problems of my ex, and every other guy after that, to try and shape me into something. I took care of their problems and left my own behind, neglected and unresolved.
Starting tomorrow, I'm starting a new round of therapy. Guided in a new direction. It is all geared towards me. Towards the root of what has happened to me, to create the feelings that I have. To say I'm petrified is an understatement.
I have spent 20 years shaping this person, and to know that I'm going to be undoing some of that work and laying new tracks is hard for me. But I've got to do what's best for me. I know that. I also know that this is going to take work. More work than I've given anything in a long time. But I have to do this. So let's just see where it goes...shall we?
Just me and my life
I'm the tall one in the center.
Wednesday, February 29, 2012
Wednesday, January 11, 2012
What it means (the day after)
So yesterday was not a good day for me. I broke down all over again. But looking back it proved something to me. That person was never really my friend, because I didn't know him at all. And while that may seem like such a negative and terrible thing, it isn't. Yes it sucks, but it also makes it easier to forget it and him, when I realize there is nothing to remember, because in reality, almost every part of our relationship and subsequent friendship, was a bold-faced, terrible, lie.
I don't say this for sympathy or anything like that. It is just a statement of fact. The person I thought was my friend, was not my friend at all. He lied to me every step of the way. And now that this question is over, I am closing the book and walking away from it.
So what's next for me?
Well I'm working on productions and making new friends. I've met some incredible people lately and I can't wait to see what the future holds. I know that it will be better because I will do all in my power to make it so.
That's all for now,
B
I don't say this for sympathy or anything like that. It is just a statement of fact. The person I thought was my friend, was not my friend at all. He lied to me every step of the way. And now that this question is over, I am closing the book and walking away from it.
So what's next for me?
Well I'm working on productions and making new friends. I've met some incredible people lately and I can't wait to see what the future holds. I know that it will be better because I will do all in my power to make it so.
That's all for now,
B
Tuesday, January 10, 2012
Questions Answered
Today I saw him. THE HIM. The one who has been a focal point of so much of what I have felt and written and thought, and dreamed and all of that. He has haunted my mind and my heart. And I have seen him during last semester driving and I was pretty okay, but today when I saw him in his car, I broke. Again.
I got on fb, the instigator of the world's problems, and I asked his ex if she had seen him over christmas, she said no, but that they had talked. I began to vent to her what I was feeling, and she was honest with me about yet again some other things he had lied about. I find myself now as i'm writing this, questioning so much. She said to me, "I think he was just worried about your feelings." And I said "Why do you say that?" To which she retorted "you were his friend,yo!"
She then answered a question I've been wanting to know for a VERY long time. One that I was lied to about over and over and over and over. And I've been advised to not know the answer, but for me, I think knowing it just kind of settled things for me. I realized he and I will not be friends ever again, because even when he told me the "truth" it was a half truth or just another life. I am letting it go. I have had enough. I've said this before, but this time I mean it. I think the door has finally closed on it and on him. We will see, but now I have more closure at least.
Thanks,
B
I got on fb, the instigator of the world's problems, and I asked his ex if she had seen him over christmas, she said no, but that they had talked. I began to vent to her what I was feeling, and she was honest with me about yet again some other things he had lied about. I find myself now as i'm writing this, questioning so much. She said to me, "I think he was just worried about your feelings." And I said "Why do you say that?" To which she retorted "you were his friend,yo!"
She then answered a question I've been wanting to know for a VERY long time. One that I was lied to about over and over and over and over. And I've been advised to not know the answer, but for me, I think knowing it just kind of settled things for me. I realized he and I will not be friends ever again, because even when he told me the "truth" it was a half truth or just another life. I am letting it go. I have had enough. I've said this before, but this time I mean it. I think the door has finally closed on it and on him. We will see, but now I have more closure at least.
Thanks,
B
New Semester, New Experiences
Starting off this semester in a new way. Completely and totally living life just for myself and loving every second of it. Not worrying with anything but my career and my friends. Anything else will just be extra fluff.
I can't wait to see what the future holds.
This is post is shorter than average, but I just don't have anything to really vent or let it all out about at the moment. But I'm sure I will at some point.
thanks for reading and keep the faith.
Benn
I can't wait to see what the future holds.
This is post is shorter than average, but I just don't have anything to really vent or let it all out about at the moment. But I'm sure I will at some point.
thanks for reading and keep the faith.
Benn
Tuesday, November 29, 2011
Dear June...meet November
So dear reader(s),
It has been far far too long since I wrote something on here, and I can honestly say I have no excuse. But here's the update.
1. I'm now down 60 pounds instead of 30. And not because of heartbreak really. A lot of this has been because I purely don't have time to eat large portions (thank you Theatre)
2. I'm done. With the situation that was fueling a lot of what I was writing for and about. My ex and I are over, as friends, as lovers, as enemies, as whatever. We are done. I finally realized that person was not healthy in my life, so I said enough is enough, and walked away. It has been over a month since I have spoken to this person, or seen them. And I plan to keep it that way. I stopped having feelings for him a while ago, but I thought friendship was possible. I fought with all I had to make it possible, and it just didn't happen. So I decided to move on.
3. In moving on, I have met some incredible people. First there was Chuck Hudson, who is the guest director SFA brought in to direct A Midsummer Night's Dream. I was his assistant director, and it was an amazing experience. I learned so much from him about working in the theatre and what being a director was really all about. He has become a mentor and friend and I'm very honored to have been given the chance to work with him.
The next amazing group of people I met were all the freshman who worked on Midsummer, I knew most of the cast already, but getting to work with this group was pretty phenomenal. They were a hard working group of actors and the entire cast came together to create something beautiful and wonderful.
I was delighted and proud to work with every single individual on that show.
Next was someone who shall remain nameless, (somethings must stay private you know), He was much older and helped me realize a lot about myself and what I really am and want. It was one of those moments that at the time was so bizarre, but in hindsight you look back and go "Thank you for the new perspective." Because that's exactly what you needed.
4. So where do I stand now? I'm glad you asked. I'm in a place of beautiful transition. I'm much healthier and happier than I've been in the past year. I'm looking back at things as memories not tortures. Everything that happened just showed me who I am and what I stand for. I learned a few very important things about myself:
A. I will fight harder for the people I care about than anything in the world.
B. I will give all that I have to give, and when I'm out, I'm out.
C. I will do anything for the people I love, until it becomes one-sided.
D. I am happier just being myself, flaws and all, than trying to change anything to make someone love me the way I want them to.
E. If you will shut up for just a second, and let the world work the way it's supposed to, you will see that things are inherently good, and capable of getting better. But don't be complacent, you create the good of your world. You will never accomplish anything if you don't try.
5. So I realize this blog has been on a tangent of sorts. Which is fine with me. But I'm sure those of you who might have read and followed along my journey of awkwardness through heartbreak and back are wondering, how do I feel now? Here's the answer:
I am figuring things out, one day at a time. I have talked to, and dated, and wondered and nothing has fit just yet. I'm getting to know someone now, who seems like a pretty great person. And we will just have to see where things go. :)
Thank you all for keeping on the journey with me. I will continue to update this blog, but from now on, it will not be of heartbreak and longing. Those days are over, for now. I know they may come back, but honestly, if they do, I have the tools to handle them now. Tools I only could have gained through facing all the pain I did.
Find the happiness you deserve, because in the end; the world you inhabit, is the one you create.
With all my love,
B
It has been far far too long since I wrote something on here, and I can honestly say I have no excuse. But here's the update.
1. I'm now down 60 pounds instead of 30. And not because of heartbreak really. A lot of this has been because I purely don't have time to eat large portions (thank you Theatre)
2. I'm done. With the situation that was fueling a lot of what I was writing for and about. My ex and I are over, as friends, as lovers, as enemies, as whatever. We are done. I finally realized that person was not healthy in my life, so I said enough is enough, and walked away. It has been over a month since I have spoken to this person, or seen them. And I plan to keep it that way. I stopped having feelings for him a while ago, but I thought friendship was possible. I fought with all I had to make it possible, and it just didn't happen. So I decided to move on.
3. In moving on, I have met some incredible people. First there was Chuck Hudson, who is the guest director SFA brought in to direct A Midsummer Night's Dream. I was his assistant director, and it was an amazing experience. I learned so much from him about working in the theatre and what being a director was really all about. He has become a mentor and friend and I'm very honored to have been given the chance to work with him.
The next amazing group of people I met were all the freshman who worked on Midsummer, I knew most of the cast already, but getting to work with this group was pretty phenomenal. They were a hard working group of actors and the entire cast came together to create something beautiful and wonderful.
I was delighted and proud to work with every single individual on that show.
Next was someone who shall remain nameless, (somethings must stay private you know), He was much older and helped me realize a lot about myself and what I really am and want. It was one of those moments that at the time was so bizarre, but in hindsight you look back and go "Thank you for the new perspective." Because that's exactly what you needed.
4. So where do I stand now? I'm glad you asked. I'm in a place of beautiful transition. I'm much healthier and happier than I've been in the past year. I'm looking back at things as memories not tortures. Everything that happened just showed me who I am and what I stand for. I learned a few very important things about myself:
A. I will fight harder for the people I care about than anything in the world.
B. I will give all that I have to give, and when I'm out, I'm out.
C. I will do anything for the people I love, until it becomes one-sided.
D. I am happier just being myself, flaws and all, than trying to change anything to make someone love me the way I want them to.
E. If you will shut up for just a second, and let the world work the way it's supposed to, you will see that things are inherently good, and capable of getting better. But don't be complacent, you create the good of your world. You will never accomplish anything if you don't try.
5. So I realize this blog has been on a tangent of sorts. Which is fine with me. But I'm sure those of you who might have read and followed along my journey of awkwardness through heartbreak and back are wondering, how do I feel now? Here's the answer:
I am figuring things out, one day at a time. I have talked to, and dated, and wondered and nothing has fit just yet. I'm getting to know someone now, who seems like a pretty great person. And we will just have to see where things go. :)
Thank you all for keeping on the journey with me. I will continue to update this blog, but from now on, it will not be of heartbreak and longing. Those days are over, for now. I know they may come back, but honestly, if they do, I have the tools to handle them now. Tools I only could have gained through facing all the pain I did.
Find the happiness you deserve, because in the end; the world you inhabit, is the one you create.
With all my love,
B
Monday, June 20, 2011
Post Father's Day Blog
So yesterday was Father's Day, as most of you are aware. And it surprised me just how much yesterday bothered me. My dad and I are not close, have not been close for a while. And it sucks, it really does. Long past are the memories of time spent just hanging out on the farm, or talking to him about life. I speak to my father about once a month, maybe. And it is a conversation that usually consists of 3 key elements. Hi, how are you, and do you need anything. That is what our conversation sounds like most of the time.
My father and I used to be pretty close, but over time and due to many reasons we have separated. But life goes on. I have learned that I don't need my father to be happy. I am at the age where if he wants to be a part of my life, that is fantastic, if not, oh well.
But this blog is not meant to be one to give me sympathy or anything like that. I have been one of the luckiest people do to my other parental figure, my mother. She has been both father and mother, and then once she married my step-dad, still continues to be the single most important person in my life. She has given me the tools I need to navigate the storms of life, and she is always there supporting me. I love her and am so grateful for all that she has done for me, and I hope that I can be half of the parent she is.
So for those of you out there who are like me, with a less than desirable father figure, don't worry, you are just as whole and loved and blessed as someone with two fantastic parents. Every person's situation is different, and you will learn and grow from whatever experience you have been placed in.
I love you all, keep fighting the good fight.
B
My father and I used to be pretty close, but over time and due to many reasons we have separated. But life goes on. I have learned that I don't need my father to be happy. I am at the age where if he wants to be a part of my life, that is fantastic, if not, oh well.
But this blog is not meant to be one to give me sympathy or anything like that. I have been one of the luckiest people do to my other parental figure, my mother. She has been both father and mother, and then once she married my step-dad, still continues to be the single most important person in my life. She has given me the tools I need to navigate the storms of life, and she is always there supporting me. I love her and am so grateful for all that she has done for me, and I hope that I can be half of the parent she is.
So for those of you out there who are like me, with a less than desirable father figure, don't worry, you are just as whole and loved and blessed as someone with two fantastic parents. Every person's situation is different, and you will learn and grow from whatever experience you have been placed in.
I love you all, keep fighting the good fight.
B
Sunday, June 19, 2011
Long time, no blog
Hi there, I'm terribly sorry I've neglected you. So here's the skinny, ME. I've lost 30 pounds. You may ask "How did you do it?" Well it is a really quite simple diet, have your heart ripped out, stomped on and then put back in place. You'll feel so miserable, that you'll eat because you have to, and will lose weight.
So clearly, I don't actually suggest anyone do that, but honestly, I do suggest cutting down on portions, we as Americans eat way way way too much food for each meal. So the rule is, cut your meal in half, and then half the one half, that is how much food you actually need.
So more than that, I've realized these past few months I've been positively mopey, and for what? Over someone who is now just one of my best friends, but really hurt me at one point. Life does go on, it gets better, and you come out stronger on the other side of it. So that's what I've realized. Is it's time to move on and start fresh. I'm learning to love again, and to move forward in all aspects. So yeah it gets rough, but this is coming from the guy who titled his blog, life it'll get you every time. I am well aware of the concept of just how much of an ass life can be, but I'm also aware of just how beautiful, fantastic, and wonderful life can be.
Never give up hope.
Never think that things are over.
Never believe that you aren't worth it.
Never think that you deserve to be hurt in anyway.
Never stop loving yourself.
Never lose yourself, it's all that you have.
LOVE YOURSELF.
This post is sporadic and not my most well constructed piece, but I promise you, I am living proof, things do get easier in time, and they will for you too. I hope and pray all of you (if anyone is actually reading this) are doing quite well. I love you all. Find peace, make peace, always.
Love, B.
So clearly, I don't actually suggest anyone do that, but honestly, I do suggest cutting down on portions, we as Americans eat way way way too much food for each meal. So the rule is, cut your meal in half, and then half the one half, that is how much food you actually need.
So more than that, I've realized these past few months I've been positively mopey, and for what? Over someone who is now just one of my best friends, but really hurt me at one point. Life does go on, it gets better, and you come out stronger on the other side of it. So that's what I've realized. Is it's time to move on and start fresh. I'm learning to love again, and to move forward in all aspects. So yeah it gets rough, but this is coming from the guy who titled his blog, life it'll get you every time. I am well aware of the concept of just how much of an ass life can be, but I'm also aware of just how beautiful, fantastic, and wonderful life can be.
Never give up hope.
Never think that things are over.
Never believe that you aren't worth it.
Never think that you deserve to be hurt in anyway.
Never stop loving yourself.
Never lose yourself, it's all that you have.
LOVE YOURSELF.
This post is sporadic and not my most well constructed piece, but I promise you, I am living proof, things do get easier in time, and they will for you too. I hope and pray all of you (if anyone is actually reading this) are doing quite well. I love you all. Find peace, make peace, always.
Love, B.
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