Post Father's Day Blog

So yesterday was Father's Day, as most of you are aware. And it surprised me just how much yesterday bothered me.  My dad and I are not close, have not been close for a while.  And it sucks, it really does.  Long past are the memories of time spent just hanging out on the farm, or talking to him about life.  I speak to my father about once a month, maybe. And it is a conversation that usually consists of 3 key elements.  Hi, how are you, and do you need anything.  That is what our conversation sounds like most of the time.

My father and I used to be pretty close, but over time and due to many reasons we have separated.  But life goes on.  I have learned that I don't need my father to be happy.  I am at the age where if he wants to be a part of my life, that is fantastic, if not, oh well.

But this blog is not meant to be one to give me sympathy or anything like that.  I have been one of the luckiest people do to my other parental figure, my mother.  She has been both father and mother, and then once she married my step-dad, still continues to be the single most important person in my life.  She has given me the tools I need to navigate the storms of life, and she is always there supporting me.  I love her and am so grateful for all that she has done for me, and I hope that I can be half of the parent she is.

So for those of you out there who are like me, with a less than desirable father figure, don't worry, you are just as whole and loved and blessed as someone with two fantastic parents.  Every person's situation is different, and you will learn and grow from whatever experience you have been placed in.

I love you all, keep fighting the good fight.

B

Long time, no blog

Hi there, I'm terribly sorry I've neglected you.  So here's the skinny, ME.  I've lost 30 pounds.  You may ask "How did you do it?"  Well it is a really quite simple diet, have your heart ripped out, stomped on and then put back in place.  You'll feel so miserable, that you'll eat because you have to, and will lose weight.

So clearly, I don't actually suggest anyone do that, but honestly, I do suggest cutting down on portions, we as Americans eat way way way too much food for each meal.  So the rule is, cut your meal in half, and then half the one half, that is how much food you actually need.

So more than that, I've realized these past few months I've been positively mopey, and for what?  Over someone who is now just one of my best friends, but really hurt me at one point.  Life does go on, it gets better, and you come out stronger on the other side of it.  So that's what I've realized.  Is it's time to move on and start fresh.  I'm learning to love again, and to move forward in all aspects.  So yeah it gets rough, but this is coming from the guy who titled his blog, life it'll get you every time.  I am well aware of the concept of just how much of an ass life can be, but I'm also aware of just how beautiful, fantastic, and wonderful life can be.

Never give up hope.
Never think that things are over.
Never believe that you aren't worth it.
Never think that you deserve to be hurt in anyway.
Never stop loving yourself.
Never lose yourself, it's all that you have.

LOVE YOURSELF.

This post is sporadic and not my most well constructed piece, but I promise you, I am living proof, things do get easier in time, and they will for you too.   I hope and pray all of you (if anyone is actually reading this) are doing quite well.  I love you all. Find peace, make peace, always.

Love, B.

Thoughts on a page

So first off, I set out to write this blog at least twice a week, that clearly has not happened, and I'm working on being more consistent with it.

Now the real stuff, this one is going to be just me putting thoughts out into the universe so they no longer are endangering my mind.

1. I'm not doing as well as I thought.  I'm doing okay, I could be much better and I'm working on getting there.

2.  Thank God for summer and the space it is allowing me. I really do need it, for many reasons.

3.  My cell phone may be the death of me.  I'm too available and too able to reach someone else.  But it is a necessary evil I guess.  I just hope I can control the texting/calling this summer.

4.  This is a big, BIG summer for me.  I'm the lead in a musical, and a supporting role in another, I am going to have to focus all of my energy on the stage, and that may be the best thing that could have ever happened to me.

5.  I've realized, I will always love that person.  Always.  That love has changed types, but in my heart, that person will always have a special place.  I just have to remember why things didn't work out in the first place.

6. Happiness is coming, I can feel it.  Everyday I feel a little better (excluding this week, in which my moods have been way way off)  I feel myself growing stronger and I"m very excited for that fact.  The old me is coming back, bit by bit.

7. I wish nothing but happiness for everyone in every situation.  Here lately I've gotten back into negativity and that is not healthy for anyone.  Time to fix that.  Back to being as positive as can be.

8.  Let's do this.  Let's take the summer by storm and remember who we are and what we can do.  WOOO

Sleep well, stay classy, and love one another.

B

Knowing you don't know, is the hardest thing.

So as the title implies, this post is going to be about the fact that I'm dealing with the realization that I don't know. I don't know all the answers, I don't have a solution to the problem, I don't have a way around the danger, away from the conflict or even just to a place of calm.  Right now, today, at this moment, I am officially proclaiming it  "I DON'T KNOW HOW TO FIX THIS." There, I said it. I feel better, what about you?

So I'm sure you're now wondering, has he lost his mind?  Well actually no, this new proclamation comes from the fact that recently I've been dealing with the concept of not having control of every situation.  My entire life I have been the one to take control of a situation and know exactly how to fix the problem and make everyone happy, that is no longer the case.  I'm learning that not everything is as black and white as I would like to make it, and that's just frustrating for me.

I don't see things in shades of gray usually, it is either right or wrong, good or bad, smart or idiotic, there is no half way point, or kind of in my universe, but recently that concept has been shattered and replaced with the constant reminder that there is not always an absolute. 

So what exactly am I referring to?
1. Relationships- they are definitely not always what you think, feelings are your own, and trying to guess anyone's emotions, other than your own, is like trying to guess the number of stars in the sky, or idiots in politics, it's just too difficult. 

2. Friendships- Are not always, we are good friends, we are not , they can be complicated. VERY complicated. And if you think the friend and the friendship itself is worth it, you are going to have to be prepared to work for it, and to face some tough truths.

3.  Family-  is an abstract concept, the people who gave birth to you, are not always your family.  The people you choose to claim as family are the ones who are there for you, throughout everything you may face.  If the people you choose to call family, and the ones who are related to you are the same, well you are a very lucky person.  And I must say, this is not the same as the pre-pubescent calling one another brother and sister, this is the understanding that the ones who will be there for you absolutely not matter what, may not be blood connected to you at all.

4. Honesty- Is different for every person.  I HATE lying and liars, but I'm learning that some people honestly have good intentions for lying, but it doesn't make the lie any less painful or upsetting. 

So, now it's a matter of realizing I'm caught in the stereotypical "college mindset" of trying to establish myself, and who I want to continue in my life.  So this is going to be fun...hope the rest of you have an easier time navigating it, than I have lately, that's for sure.

I think that's it for now.  I'm sure as life takes more twists and turns, so too will my opinions on any and everything. 

Well much love, and as always, sleep well, love one another and remember, life is a choice, choose wisely.

With love,

B.

Sorry for the Delay

     When I started this blog, I had every intention of writing one every day, if not that at least every week. Well obviously that did not happen and I hope to not have a relapse of such forgetfulness again.
So this one is going to be a little long:

Part 1. The Update
     My life in the past month has been super busy, just like everyone else.  Between midterms, preparing for spring break, production work, and everything else, I've been running some long hours.  But things are going well and I would rather be busy than bored, right?! 
     Also I should mention, I have given up soda and cursing for lent.  Not because I think cursing is a sin, just a habit I'm not great with, and guess which one is harder to deal with. 
     I also went on an amazing spring break trip to North Carolina and got to experience some things I never thought I would get to see, it was awesome, and it definitely re-infected me with the travel bug, so hopefully more trips will be in the future.

Part 2: The REAL Post
     I can safely say that this week, has been one of the worst, but most important I've had in a long time.  Why might you ask?  I in the course of this week, have watched 3 long term relationships end, seen 3 friends truly hurt by it, and I myself was victim of romantic downfall.  No, you're not going to get all the juicy details, sorry readers, somethings are still sacred.
     So what's the point of posting if I'm not going to tell you something worth hearing, right?  Well I'm glad you asked.  The point is what I've learned, and what I WILL share.  I have learned this, you are far wiser, far more important, and far more loved than you ever can give yourself credit for.  And the thing is, it is not in ways that you ever think it to be.  The other person entangled in my situation, is one of my best friends now, but it definitely effected me in a very powerful way, and so I've had to take steps to ensure that this person and I can remain friends.  It's complicated, it's difficult, and I'm sure some of you may think it's unnecessary, but I have learned one thing in all of my 19 years, which are few but interesting, you will NEVER get through this life on your own.  So do not close out the people who may have hurt you, at least not always.  There are times that cutting away from them entirely is the only way you are going to survive, and in those instances I completely agree, run, get out, before it's too late.  But there are other times when you will learn that the relationship you have with the person who may have you hurt you, is more important than you realized, and that yes they hurt you, but it doesn't make them evil, it makes them just as misguided as you were.  So grow from that hurt, if you need to cut ties, do it.
   If things are never going to change between you and that person, and the hurt will always be there, then leave.  For your own safety and sanity, get out now, before you end up permanently in a bad situation. 
    Also I have learned to rely on my own instincts and beliefs, you are wise, and you know what is right for you, just don't be afraid to admit it.  Have the conversations you aren't "supposed to have", say the things you aren't "supposed to say" if that is truly how you feel.  There is nothing wrong with that.  Because in the end, being honest with yourself and that person will serve you far greater than putting yourself in an emotionally devastating situation.
     So where does that leave me now? I'm glad you asked.  That leaves me, starting over when it comes to finding someone.  Learning my self-worth isn't determined by someone else, and learning to work on being patient.  I may not find that perfect person just yet, if ever, and that is something I have to be okay with too.  Learning to love yourself, and that being enough, is something that I think every person, single or not, gay or straight, should learn to work on.  You have to love yourself for the person you are, without being a cocky jerk, and realize that in the end, you may be all that you will ever have.  And if you can't live with yourself, who can you live with?

So now I'm growing and moving forward, trying to make amends, and trying to find out just what the future holds.  It may not be an easy journey, but it promises to be one great ride.  And hopefully, I will have some of you still there with me, every step of the way.

And as always, sleep well, love one another, and remember: Life is a choice, choose wisely.

Much Love,

B

Lessons Learned

   So today I got in the car, and drove 4 hours away to see my best friend for the weekend.  And at one point I was literally driving through East Jesus, Nowhere, and I had a lot of time to think about things.  Which is sometimes awesome, and sometimes a terrible mistake, luckily this time it was a good thing.
  I started thinking about all the things I've learned since starting college.  Some are small and insignificant, some have drastically changed me in a good way and some have had the opposite effect.
So I'm just going to do this the easy way, by a good old fashioned list:
1. Those little things your parents used to nag you about, and you thought were pointless, are probably some of the best advice you'll ever get.
2. Just because you think someone is a good person, doesn't mean they are good for you.
3. Being involved is a good thing, but make sure you pick a place that fully accepts you for what you are, and who you do.  Compromising yourself or your beliefs for an organization is the WORST mistake you'll ever make.
4.  Listen to your friends. Don't take everything they say to heart, but honestly my friends have given me some of the best advice ever, and are completely honest with me.
5. Which leads to this: Surround yourself with people who will tell you what you need to hear not just what you want. Feeding your own ego and delusions (which we all have from time to time) will not benefit you in the least.
6.  The last lesson for now:  Learn to love yourself.  I just recently learned this myself.  You are only as smart, as good looking, as funny, as anything, as YOU think you are.  Don't get cocky, but be realistic without being critical. If you have a little pudge, know it, but don't think it makes you a whale, it doesn't.  If you aren't the smartest person, admit it to yourself, but don't hate yourself for it.  Just be you, because you are wonderful, well most of you are, some of you just suck, but hey it happens.

And as always, sleep well, love one another, and remember: Life is a choice, choose wisely.

Is This a College or a Daycare?

     So when I applied to college, I expected there to be many differences in the level of academic expectations in high school and in college.  But apparently some students were expecting the same level of coddling we received even before we reached the pubescent level. If high school was supposed to prepare you for college, then what does that say for the education many of us received.  I have met many students who will admit they made it through high school by a teacher holding their hand and walking them down the path.  While that is admirable to an extent on the teachers part, it's far from preparatory.  Don't expect a professor to suddenly make sure that you, student #356829875, pass their course with flying colors.
    Why are you so upset when the professor doesn't give you a review for the test?  THE CLASS IS A REVIEW FOR THE TEST. Pay attention. You expect a professor to let you miss class repeatedly, and you show up the class before the test and know exactly what to study? False!  Life doesn't work that way.  High school is over. You can't pull the same old stunts and expect these professors to cater to you. 
    Now I do not want it misinterpreted that I'm saying professors do not care about their students.  That is not the case.  I know many professors who do, in fact, care a tremendous amount about the well being and success of every student.  I just don't understand those people who expect professors to help them do their bare minimum in order to pass.  Now to any professor who might read this, keep giving reviews if you think they are needed, I appreciate them, and yet I also still attend your classes. I just don't understand the students who expect the professor to shape their lives and lesson plans around one person. 
    If high school was to prepare us for college, and college is to prepare us for the real world why would you expect any special treatment.  The real world isn't going to stop because you forgot to read the material or come to class prepared to work.  Time will go on, jobs will continue, companies will still make money and you may or may not be apart of that system.  So why not start now and prepare yourself for a shocking reality for many:  YOU ARE RESPONSIBLE FOR YOURSELF.  No one else is going to help you pass, do your homework, or be the one to remind you of what you have to do.  In college it is you, sink or swim.
   Stop expecting others to do things for you, and take initiative and do it yourself.  Trust me in the long run you will appreciate those individuals who do help you out, if you don't expect it and are self-reliant.  Asking for help is always a good plan, but asking for someone to help carry you through a class because you purely don't want to do the work is unacceptable.  I don't expect someone else to learn my lines in a show, or to design a costume I'm working on, why then would you expect someone else to make sure your work is done.  A little self reliance is a powerful tool that every colelge student should learn. 
So tell me what you think out there? Am I wrong? Do you agree? I'd love to hear your thoughts.  And as always, sleep well, love one another, and remember: Life is a choice, choose wisely.